Interpersonal Effectiveness
Request & Refusal Intensity Calculator
Use 0–10 scales to decide how firmly to ask—or how strongly to say no—based on priorities, relationship, and consequences.
Tip: jot notes below, then print or “Save as PDF.”
How to practice it
Move through each step slowly. Notice what the skill asks for and how you can experiment in real life.
1
Define the Request or Refusal
Summarize what you want (or want to decline), who you’re addressing, and the context.
2
Score Importance Factors (0–5)
Rate how important the goal is, how much it aligns with values, and the impact on you if you don’t ask/say no.
3
Score Relationship Factors (0–3)
Rate how much the relationship matters and how the person typically responds to requests/refusals.
4
Score Consequence & Capability (0–2)
Rate the likelihood of success, possible negative fallout, and your ability to follow through.
5
Decide Intensity
Add the scores to guide your intensity:
- 0–3 = light hint or casual decline
- 4–6 = medium ask/soft refusal
- 7–10 = firm ask or clear no with DEAR MAN/FAST support
Real-world examples
Try spotting moments like these in your week. Notice how the skill changes the ripple effect of a tough situation.
Example – Asking for deadline extension
Goal importance 4, relationship 2, consequences 1 → total 7 → plan a firm DEAR MAN with alternative proposal.
Example – Saying no to extra shift
Goal (protect rest) 5, relationship 1, consequences 1 → total 7 → clear refusal using FAST.
Practice Activity
Run this calculator for three upcoming asks or refusals. Note whether the intensity felt right afterward.
What score did you assign each factor? Why?
What intensity level did you choose?
Which DBT skills will support that intensity?
How did the other person respond, and what will you adjust next time?
Want to practice interpersonal effectiveness with the WithMarsha app?
WithMarsha guides you through this skill in real time, keeps track of your practice, and helps you build your DBT toolkit day by day.
Download WithMarsha