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Request & Refusal Intensity Calculator
Use 0–10 scales to decide how firmly to ask—or how strongly to say no—based on priorities, relationship, and consequences.
What this worksheet is for
Use 0–10 scales to decide how firmly to ask—or how strongly to say no—based on priorities, relationship, and consequences.
How to use it
- Read the full skill once before writing.
- Use the examples below to spot where it fits real life.
- Complete the reflection page using the answers you already typed or by writing directly on the PDF.
At a glance
Primary topic: request intensity dbt worksheet
Worksheet type: Secondary worksheet
How to practice it
Define the Request or Refusal
Summarize what you want (or want to decline), who you’re addressing, and the context.
Score Importance Factors (0–5)
Rate how important the goal is, how much it aligns with values, and the impact on you if you don’t ask/say no.
Score Relationship Factors (0–3)
Rate how much the relationship matters and how the person typically responds to requests/refusals.
Score Consequence & Capability (0–2)
Rate the likelihood of success, possible negative fallout, and your ability to follow through.
Decide Intensity
Add the scores to guide your intensity:
- 0–3 = light hint or casual decline
- 4–6 = medium ask/soft refusal
- 7–10 = firm ask or clear no with DEAR MAN/FAST support
Real-world examples
Example – Asking for deadline extension
Goal importance 4, relationship 2, consequences 1 → total 7 → plan a firm DEAR MAN with alternative proposal.
Example – Saying no to extra shift
Goal (protect rest) 5, relationship 1, consequences 1 → total 7 → clear refusal using FAST.
Before you write
Pick one situation you are actually likely to face this week. The activity page works best when you complete it for a real moment instead of a hypothetical one.
Worksheet activity
Practice Activity
Run this calculator for three upcoming asks or refusals. Note whether the intensity felt right afterward.
Reflect and write
What score did you assign each factor? Why?
What intensity level did you choose?
Which DBT skills will support that intensity?
How did the other person respond, and what will you adjust next time?