Interpersonal Effectiveness
DEAR MAN Builder
Use the DEAR MAN Builder to script requests or boundaries—balancing objective, relationship, and self-respect goals.
Tip: jot notes below, then print or “Save as PDF.”
How to practice it
Move through each step slowly. Notice what the skill asks for and how you can experiment in real life.
D
Describe
Stick to the observable facts. “Yesterday the report didn’t ship until 9 pm.” Leave assumptions or judgments out.
E
Express
Share your feelings and opinions clearly. Use “I” statements: “I felt stressed and behind when that happened.”
A
Assert
Ask for what you want or say no. Be concise and specific: “I need the updated numbers by 3 pm today.”
R
Reinforce
Explain the positive outcomes of agreeing: “That lets me build the deck on time—no late-night scramble.”
M
Mindful
Stay on message. Gently redirect if the conversation derails. Broken-record your main point without aggression.
A
Appear Confident
Adopt assertive body language and tone. You don’t have to feel confident—just communicate that your request matters.
N
Negotiate
Be willing to give a little to get a little. Offer options, ask what would make it work for them, or propose a compromise.
Real-world examples
Try spotting moments like these in your week. Notice how the skill changes the ripple effect of a tough situation.
You need uninterrupted focus time. You describe the interruptions, express how scattered you feel, assert a daily 2–4 pm “deep work” block, reinforce that it keeps projects on schedule, stay mindful when your manager changes the subject, appear confident even while nervous, and negotiate by offering to sync at 1:45 pm instead.
Your roommate keeps leaving dishes. You describe the pile, express the stress, assert an every-other-night cleaning rotation, reinforce by noting it keeps the apartment peaceful, stay mindful when they joke, keep your shoulders back, and negotiate by offering to swap nights when they have exams.
Practice Activity
Draft a DEAR MAN conversation for a current need or boundary. Use the structure to rehearse before you have the real talk.
Describe: What are the facts you’ll share?
Express: Which feelings or impacts are important to name?
Assert: What exactly are you asking for (or declining)?
Reinforce: How does agreement help them, you, or the relationship?
Negotiate: What flexibility can you offer if they can’t give a full yes?
Want to practice interpersonal effectiveness with the WithMarsha app?
WithMarsha guides you through this skill in real time, keeps track of your practice, and helps you build your DBT toolkit day by day.
Download WithMarsha